I stumped your lava lamp.

I am soooo excited to go home. It is getting closer and closer and i just cant take this anymore! Make Tuesday be here now.

I just want something I can never have.

I don't want to be here lately, obviously. Im not even friends with the friends that I made here lately, I just need a break from everyone. I want to see my family, my best friend, my close friends, people, anyone/anything from jamestown. I search through "familiar" faces here, for real genuine faces that care. I am started to let the small things about everyone bother me and since that has been happening, I have found myself staying in my room, every chance I get. My four walls that once entrapped me, have now become my sanctuary. If I can't be home, I will be there until I can go home. I have a count down running, until I am home. I honestly can't wait to be "not here". I miss my real friends, I miss my life. Sure, there are some people that I am going to want to see again, but the majority, sadly, I can live without. The friends you make in college are supposed to be the friends you keep forever, but I find myself not wanting to believe that, mainly because I am attached to my old friends. I am constantly reminded of how much I miss them too, so I can't let them go. These are some of the things running through my mind. Others, are problems that I am having with my old friends. I am stuck in limbo land with a couple, and I hate being there. One hangs in the balance of a really good friend, to just another friend. Another is me not wanting to deal with another friend's problems, I usually will listen, but I find myself annoyed with it lately. I just cannot wait to be home and figure it all out. And see my cat.

P.S.....I am really excited to eat turkey....yum

Media Hell

Today is Wednesday, and Wednesday is hell. I did not go to sleep last night, and I have a 9:30-12 1-6 school day. Wow. Foundation 2D isn't really a class, it is a fricken 9:30 in the morning hang out time. Wow. It is semi pointless. Today in the class, I played with a fricken stamp. Wow. Cool!!!! Not. I honestly can't believe I am paying to sit in a room and bull-shit for 2 and a half hours, but at the same time, I wouldn't want it any other way.  Then it's a nice little one hour lunch break. Yum. Lunch. Best goddamn meal of the day. Its like better then breakfast and dinner because you have an option of eating anything you want, and you can eat how much you would like, since it is in the middle of the day and you can wear off everything you eat. They should call it perfect meal. God. Then....Media 1. Wow. I would love this class if it wasn't soo ridiculously long. Maybe if it wasn't 5 hours of critique, I mean, don't get me wrong, I like everyones work, but wow. Come on, five hours? Thats a long ass time. Tonight, I am going to do laundry. Ugh. I hate doing laundry. Its a waste of life, I guess, I should be able to get my writing assignment done while I am waiting. I mean, I doubt I would do it any other time. Writing class, that is a really quick way to piss me off too. Wow. People sit there, and trash talk photography constantly, and my professor agrees. What in the h does she know!??! Shes not even an artist, shes a dance critic. Ugh. I just am sick of this school. Please. Get me far far far away. Oh, and by the way, I have to critique today....oh god, every one that has been going so far has been good. Im fucked. Mines shitty. Oh god. : [

Where was I?

I dont have any fun anymore. I do not know when I am having fun. After the fact, I will ask people, "did you have fun?" as to clarify to myself if it was fun or not. I do not live in the moment anymore. I stopped realizing what fun really was. I knew at one point in my life, fun was when I was happy, now I dont know what happy feels like. Sure there are moments where I think I am happy, but those are few and far between. Day to day, I ask people was it fun, I ask myself, did I have fun? I posted a memories bulliten, and people posted a memory, and said, "it was fun", and I have to ask myself, "where was I?" "did I have fun" or do I think I am having fun because you are telling me it was fun. My mind slips and I have to rely on what other people say is fun. I cannot remember a "fun" time on my own, I always have to be told where I was, what I was doing and if it was fun or not. Am I relying on peoples thoughts of fun too much. What is the definition of fun? And where in the hell I can find it? If I do find it, how will I know what it is until it has past? Will I ever have fun in the moment?

Leaving myself here

I used to live in North Dakota, in a small town. I was constantly bored. Bored of people, places, school, just life in general. There was never anything to do, and no one to hang out with. I left to Minneapolis to go to college at Minneapolis College of Art and Design. I was having a horrible time here, I love my art, I hated being here. I had no friends, nothing to do, and I was starting to hate school again. I made friends after a while, but now, I have fallen into the same pattern. I hate being here, I hate having nothing to do in the big city of Minneapolis. Its huge, you think there would be something to do here, but no one wants to do anything. I started crying daily, I still cry a lot, I dont want to be here. Until yesterday when I finally went out and did something, I realized, the people here are really awesome. I miss my friends back home more then anything and I came here a broken girl. I resolved to go home next semester so I could finally be happy, but I realized that I won't be happy. I am going to leave a huge part of myself here with everyone. I will never be whole again. They say people rub off on each other, and I totally believe it is true. Everyone here has rubbed off on me. I don't know if I will be more happy here, or if I will be happy in North Dakota. I don't think I will be happy any where anymore. I keep leaving pieces of myself everywhere, and I will never be whole again I feel.